9 Things I Don’t Want To See In Star Wars IX

While I waspretty upset over The Last Jedi, I freely admit that I enjoyed Solo and I am even looking forward to Episode IX. Having said that, there are some things I definitely do not want to see in that movie.

What follows is a SPOILERY list of 9 things I dearly hope aren’t in Episode 9.

1. A cliffhanger for Star Wars X.

Come on, guys. You know they’re considering it. The Last Jedi officially handed off the saga to its new cast and left us with a story that feels like it’s just beginning. Rumors abound that this will be the longest Star Wars film yet and, yes, now there is even a rumor that they’ll split that monster in two.

Redditor FOOSLS, who claims to have seen an early storyboard for Episode IX, wrote on the Star Wars Speculation subReddit that the film ends with the galaxy preparing for war.

Even though sources now tell us this episode will mark the end of the Skywalker saga (which may not bode well for Ben Solo), there’s no reason this still couldn’t end in a cliffhanger fot the next generation heroes Disney has been developing over the sequels.

2. Force flirting.

Rey literally shut the Millenium Falcon’s door on their last Force Skype session in The Last Jedi and I sincerely hope that meant the end of Reylo. Given that first meeting with Poe and Finn’s obvious infatuation with Rey, I think we can let that whole sorry mess just be Kylo’s to deal with. Rey needs to keep in mind that her bad boy killed the best friend of the walking carpet with a laser crossbow that co-pilots her inherited ship. Wookie’s aren’t known to be merciful.

3. Another friggin Death Star.

There is no difference in my mind between the Death Stars and a Droid Control Ship (aka Death Star Jr) or a Star Killer Base (aka Absurdly Big Death Star III). Find a plot device that doesn’t involve blowing up something with an X-wing to save the day.

4. Leia’s death.

You had your chance, Disney. You even gave us that ghoulish Mary Poppins spacewalk scene where fans had to watch her float lifelessly in space only to be save herself with Force powers while barely conscious. Fans had to watch this with the dreadful knowledge that Carrie Fisher is dead. Star Wars had the chance to give her an out. According to new casting news, Carrie Fisher has been cast in Star Wars IX. They intend to utilize un-used film from The Force Awakens rather than CGI, but let’s hope they have the grace to let Princess Leia die off-screen.

5. More Mary Sues.

The Last Jedi confirmed Rey as a Mary Sue. She’s had zero training and has no special lineage, yet she can master the Force like it’s her own personal Deus ex machina. Yet even Darth Vader with his astronomically high midichlorian count (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) was only able to tap into the Force unconsciously until a teacher showed him how to do so on purpose.

The problem is that “Broom Kid” that Rian Johnson inserted into the film. In The Last Jedi‘s final scene, one of the slave kids who help Rose and Finn during their tedious Canto Bight sequence reaches for his broom with the Force. After glancing at the Resistance ring Rose gave him, he raises his broom like a lightsaber against the night sky. The movie ends and we are left with the horrifying suggestion that anyone can be a Jedi master with no training whatsoever.

Oh, I know it’s not supposed to be a bad thing. After all, the legend of Luke Skywalker has just sparked hope in the galaxy. But that’s not how it would pan out. Untaught Jedi would be largely undisciplined and I can see them using their powers for their own selfish ends or being manipulated into doing evil for others.

On a more meta level, I recognize the larger problem with Force-weilding Mary Sues. In the words of Syndrome (from The Incredibles):

“If everyone is special then no one is special.”

To this I could add the warning of Ian Malcolm (from Jurassic Park) and apply it to Star Wars:

“Don’t you see the danger… inherent in what you’re doing here? [This] is the most awesome force the [universe’s] ever seen, but you wield it like a kid that’s found his dad’s gun… Um, I’ll tell you the problem with the [Force] power that you’re using here, it didn’t require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn’t earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don’t take any responsibility for it.”

6. Another Legend’s Death

Billy Dee Williams is reprising his role as Lando Calrissian. Here’s a novel thought. Don’t bring him back just to kill him off.

7. Jar Jar Binks.

Yes, that’s still remotely possible. According to his Wookiepedia entry, Jar-Jar was born in 52 BBY. The sequels take place about 30 years after the destruction of the second Death Star. Since Return of the Jedi is set in 4 ABY, this puts Episode VII around 34 ABY. This means Jar-Jar would have to be at around 86 at the start of the new trilogy. The Ultimate Alien Anthology gives us this information on Gungan maturity and lifespans:

Age in Years: Child 1–12; young adult 13–15; adult 16–35; middle age 36–54; old 55–64; venerable 65+.

Sadly, this means that a really old Jar Jar could appear in the sequels. The last mention of him comes from Star Wars Aftermath: Empire’s End by Chuck Wendig, where Jar Jar is universally shunned after the Battle of Endor for his part in the rise of the Empire. He’s apparently living out his days as a literal clown.

That circus does NOT need to come to town in Episode IX. I don’t want to see his redemption. I don’t need to see his comeuppance. The very premise of the sequels means I can happily forget the prequels ever happened, most especially him!

Some of you are probably surprised that I mention Jar Jar instead of porgs. I’m not a porg hater. I understand why the fimmakers had to get creative with the indigenous puffin population while filming Ireland’s Skellig Michael as Achto. I actually thought it was a clever workaround. I don’t get why Chewie couldn’t enjoy a porgchop; it seems really out of character for the walking carpet who infamously always thinks with his stomach to suddenly care what an uncooked pullet thinks of his dining choices. He’s not a vegan. He likes meat so much that he walked into an obvious Ewok trap to grab a hunk of it. But maybe Chewie felt those eyes staring into his soul. I even understand why they wrote porgs onto the Millennium Falcon as stowaways when it left the planet. I think that the joke and the reason for porgs has run its course.

I’d still rather see porgs than the Gungan even other Gungans can’t stand.

8. Captain Phasma

Seriously, how many times can you kill off this character? Rian Johnson himself called her theKenny of the Star Wars universe, an admission that he’s turned her into a running joke.

She is currently not included in the cast list at IMDB; however, given the way they retconned her survival from the events of Episode 7 via a comic book (stuffed to the gills with improbable events over a 6 minute span), it’s always possible we’ll see ol’ Chrome Dome again. Let’s hope not.

9. More Throw-Away Villains

Star Wars has a Villain Problem. The Original Trilogy was fine. This Star Wars Villain Problem began with the first prequel, where we were introduced to one of the coolest Sith ever. But Darth Maul was all over but the merchandising by the end of the flick. Yes, I’m happy about the end credit scene in Solo, but what are we to say about General Grievous, Jango Fett and Count Dooku? The Clone Wars animated series fills in their backstory and shows us how important they might’ve been, but this was never really translated to film. I felt like we barely knew them.

Which brings me to Supreme Leader Snoke. Perhaps the only more senseless death in the Star Wars sequels is the offhand demise of Admiral Ackbar. (I know. Soooo many reasons to hate Rian Johnson. Why was that even necessary?)

Snoke’s build-up as a major villain met a disappointing end. Rian Johnson drew the ire of many a Star Wars fan when he took a major character whose origins and motivations were speculated over to the point of near hysteria since his first holographic appearance in TFA and then unceremoniously snuffed him out without so much as two sentences of satisfying exposition.

star-wars-the-last-jedi-snoke-closer-look-0

For all of his power, Supreme Leader Snoke was killed by the clever trickery of a “kid in a mask.” Where did Snoke get his power? How was he able to connect a metaphysical three-way call with Kylo and Rey without them being able to sense that he was behind their Force Skype sessions? Why was he so hideously disfigured? Who was he? Was he the acronymous Sith No One Knew Existed? Darth Plagueis? A Palpantine clone? What were his motivations? What did he have planned? Rian Johnson’s answer was something akin to Luke contemptuously tossing his father’s lightsaber over his shoulder. Fans have a right to be pissed. This turned Snoke into a 2-dimensional villain of the week.

I don’t want to be introduced to yet anothet throwaway villain in Episode 9. I suspect we won’t have to worry about that. My guess is that we’ll be dealing with Kylo and Hux (and hopefully not Phasma) again.

Then again, the Youtube channel Star Wars Theory has an intriguing theory that Snoke isn’t truly dead because he was never actually in the room with Kylo and Rey to begin with. Basically, this theory holds that Snoke was a Force projection in that throne room. He knew having Kylo and Rey in the same room with him was dangerous, so he arranged a test for both Force adepts. I will admit that I almost want this theory to pan out, because it would finally explain why JJ Abrams was so maddeningly calm about Johnson apparently killing off his intended big bad for the sequels.

So that’s my two cents; what are some of the things you don’t want to see in the next Star Wars film? Leave a comment below to tell us what we missed.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s